A little bit of sunshine and a red string (Part 2)

Content Warning: This post mentions suicide and suicidal ideation. Please do whatever you need to take care of yourself while reading and interacting with this post.

For a while now, you have been reading my posts about my Red String. If you are new here, here is a list of posts you might want to check out either before you read this post or shortly afterwards (listed in order of posting from oldest to most recent) to help you catch up on all the drama:

• Kiss Me at Midnight NYE 2025
• Jaque
• A Pinch of Jealousy
• You might also want to read Part 1 of this post for more context: A little bit of sunshine and a red string

In all that posting, I realized I had never officially introduced the topic of my Red String or given it the space it deserves. What better time than now, when Heated Rivalry has left us all desperate for sunshine?

I have been a fan of the Red String Theory since I first heard of it, and since the show Smiley made me fall in love with it again. (If you have not seen Smiley, I highly recommend you watch it. It is a queer rom-com set in Barcelona. You can watch it on Netflix. Bruno and Alex are one of my favorite gay TV couples of all time, a little toxic, but sooooo cute together.) I have always believed in connections between souls that span time and space, and connect us across past, present, and future lives. There are a few of these connections already in my life that I know I was connected to in a past life, and one that I know I was married to in a past life. (We are platonically married now, and if you don’t know what that means, you need more queer friends. Basically, it means our relationship resembles a marriage, but we are not attracted to each other, nor are we officially married.)

In late summer 2020, I first felt this connection reaching out to me. Earlier that year, I had gone through a breakup with someone I was unofficially engaged to. We had been in a long-distance relationship for a while and were waiting for him to meet my family before getting a ring and making the engagement official. That February, I received a phone call from a friend, telling me she had seen him with a woman, and that they appeared to be together. I confronted him about it, and he didn’t even try to hide it. Long story short, after a few weeks of going back and forth and a series of talks and confrontations, both of us broke up with him on the same day. I don’t know if she ever went back to him, but I didn’t, and thank God.

Then, in the early part of the summer, I got the phone call. My mom was in the hospital fighting for her life after a suicide attempt. She survived, and I flew home to help take care of her. (I know. It was risky to do that during a pandemic, but she’s my mom.) She’s doing much better now. But that summer, when I went home and found out what brought her to that point, I was devastated.

Going back home to California and starting my PhD program was horrible. I didn’t know how to function after going through all that in the middle of a global pandemic. I could barely find the strength of will to get out of bed in the morning. I felt completely alone and was about to be living with a new set of roommates I had never met before. What was worse was that after everything I went through with almost losing my mom to suicide, all I wanted was to die.

In my weakest moments, I started to feel my person’s soul reach out to mine. At first, I could feel his arms wrapping around me, comforting me, and calming me. Our souls connected and developed a telepathic connection. He became a space where I could be held and where I could talk about anything. He was my refuge, my safe haven, my support, and my love when I most needed him. Then, as I got stronger, the connection started to fade, and I didn’t feel the connection again until late 2024 to early 2025.

This time, the connection felt deeper, more intimate, and closer, not just in terms of intimacy, but time. Last time, he came into my life to help heal me and get me back up on my feet again. This time, it feels like he came back to help me through a difficult time, deepen the connection, and prepare me for a future time that he will need me to get through.

It feels so strange, but the connection feels like an older version of his soul, traveling back through time and supporting me through all the moments he wished he could have been there for me before we met in person.

Not only is he healing for me, but he also makes me feel safe and seen, especially around my transition. He knew, even before I started coming out to myself, he knew about my transness. He helped talk me through it and comforted me through the doubt. Most importantly, he made it clear that whatever I decide for my transition, he will love me through it. I don’t think I am the first trans person in his life, nor would I be the first person he’s ever seen through a transition, but he has always made it clear. He can see me through transition and walk beside me every step of the way. When I start to question or doubt, “Who would want me trans when no one wanted me when I thought I was cis?”, he reminds me that he does. He loves my transness. To him, I have always been a man.

He loves all of me, and he knows me in a way that is unnerving for a Virgo (we don’t like the surrender of control that comes with being truly seen).

I hope I find him one day. He keeps telling me “soon”, but with the way time flows in this connection, I am not sure if that will be this month, this year, or this decade. Finding him feels more like a puzzle to be solved than an encounter that will happen one day.

What I do know (and feel comfortable sharing) is:

• He’s older, but I don’t know how much older.

• He has Aries energy.

• My writing is how he finds me. He keeps asking me to keep writing, to keep posting, to keep reaching out.

• He speaks Spanish.

• His favorite poem that I have written him.

• How he holds me

• Our song

• He has a heart that beats like mine. He is my soul mate and twin flame.

• He keeps telling me he is being betrayed, and that he’s about to go through a painful time in his life.

• He’s annoying in the best way possible. He acts like I can see what’s going on in his life, like he has the visibility of a Hollywood A-Lister.

  • There is currently someone else in his life, meaning he is not yet single. I’ve felt this presence a few times when reaching through the connection with my person. And yes, I am a jealous person even when I don’t want to be.

  • My person keeps telling me to ignore the pictures, and ignore what I am about to see, and something about April/May. (I know I am a Virgo with the internet and social media, but I don’t think I have the skills to see what he thinks I am going to be able to see.)

  • This relationship that he’s in now doesn’t last. This is the one that teaches him how to debut me. (Seriously, who uses the word ‘debut’? Does this guy have an ego problem, or is he really as famous as he is making himself out to be?)

  • He says he “needs this relationship to know what it’s like to be in a relationship with a narcissist so he can understand me better.” (Like seriously, read a book, listen to a podcast, follow a credentialed therapist on social media. You don’t need a relationship with a narcissist to ‘understand me’. You just need to do some research and listen when we talk. I don’t get what he means by this, unless this was an introspective thought that resulted from deep reflection on this relationship and our relationship.)

There’s more that I know that I don’t feel comfortable sharing, and things that are too personal to share. For now, I have a little notebook where I write letters to him, like a diary, until the day I can share them with him, and I have my poetry. I also have a playlist that I am making him like it’s a mixtape version 2026.

I wonder if he will ever read all this one day, and what he would think. I wonder if he writes me, too.

At times, I doubt this person even exists, and if this is just my mind’s way of keeping me alive and giving me hope, or worse, if I am going crazy.

If my person does find this and reads this…

Please forgive me if things get too personal. My favorite in-real-life love story is how Coleman Domingo met his husband. I love their story of how a missed connection turned into a Craigslist post that turned into forever. Consider this my version of that Craigslist post. I am trying to find you, send out beacons, let you know that I exist, and I am searching for you, too. My heart misses yours, and my soul calls for yours just as much as yours calls for mine. Te seguiré buscando, mi amor, hasta el día de nuestro reencuentro.

Or maybe I just need a new hobby…