A little bit of sunshine and a red string

Ever since Episode 5 of Heated Rivalry aired, it feels like we’ve all been obsessed with finding our own sunshine. So many people online have shared their stories of how they found their sunshine, or (for those of us who are single) how Heated Rivalry is inspiring them to find their own sunshine. As someone who identifies as a queer (bi, but with a preference for men) trans man who is only at the beginning of his transition, the concept of sunshine feels like the horizon. I want to reach it, to bask in it, but no matter what, this intrusive thought remains: some of us were never meant to have sunshine nor walk in it.

I know this intrusive thought stems from my own internalized transphobia and experiences I have had in the gay community. I spent so much of my life hating the man I knew I was that it’s hard now to believe that someone will ever love me as a man. I mean, if no one wanted me when I thought I was a woman, who is going to want me now that I know that I am trans? At what point in transition would someone see the man (if anyone could see the man), let alone find him desirable?

Before I came out as trans, my strongest attractions were (and still are) to gay men and straight women. Yes, subconsciously, I was looking for people who are attracted to men, even when I knew the rejection would be inevitable. The rejection would sting, but for me, it was understandable. At the time, I was identifying as a woman, so the rejection hit like, “Well, what were you expecting. You knew they were gay/straight.” There was a part of me that was angry, not for being rejected, but for not being seen as a man. (The signs I missed were impressive.)

After I came out, I noticed changes in the ways people treat me, especially around attraction and in social spaces. So far, since coming out, I have had a (real-life) crush on only one woman. (I say real-life because there have been plenty of celebrity crushes, most of them men.) We went to the same church I used to go to for a while. We met through a mutual friend, and when I first saw her, I thought she was one of the most beautiful women I had ever met. I would look for her at each service and the coffee social afterwards. She quickly became Gem’s first in-real-life crush. But, she was seeing someone, and I noticed myself becoming friend-zoned. Honestly, I wasn’t upset with being friend-zoned. I think if I had kept attending that church, we would have been good friends. I did find it surprising how quickly I was being friend-zoned into the ‘gay bestie’ friend zone. In the past, I was just the friend or the platonic girl friend. This time just felt different, and I can’t quite place my finger on why. I think for now, in my relationships with women, this is something to keep a curious eye on.

With men, my experiences have been less accepting. So far, the positive experiences have been the flirty guy at the check-out at World Market and accepting and affirming friends from before my transition. All my other experiences with men have been rather disappointing, for want of a stronger or even more accurate word. I have not been brave enough to try dating or seeking any romantic or sexual connections or encounters. Even seeking friendship and platonic relationships has been challenging, especially with cis gay men.

When I first started coming out, one of my (now former) friends would invite me to hang out with him and his group of cis gay male friends. Most of the time I spent with them was marked by this sense of awkwardness, like they didn’t know what to do with me. I’ve not started medical transition yet, so I still range in appearance from female to androgynous. Part of the awkward tension I felt came across as, “What do we do with the female?” And while, for the most part, nothing was explicitly stated, there was a sense of being tolerated, as if conversations were being held back because I was there. I say for the most part because there was one guy who came right out and asked me, “How does it feel to be the only female at the table?” No one at the table said anything to him, and the only thing I could think to say was, “Don’t assume.” I didn’t like this guy at all and didn’t want to give him any more access to me than that. Thankfully, my time spent with this group was cut short. Honestly, I feel glad to be out of what was already becoming a toxic environment, and oddly enough, what has been giving me hope to try again in the future is social media.

In December of last year, I officially joined the Asylum and became a Loon. Watching Heated Rivalry became a space for me to explore my attraction to men, but this time with the self-awareness of knowing I am a man. The show definitely provided me with the confirmation that I am a man who is attracted to men. I found myself feeling more than I ever had for any of the straight men I have been with in the past. The closest I have ever felt in the past to what I experienced watching the show was with the only openly bi guy I have ever dated. (I felt the most physical chemistry with him, and now it makes sense why.) After watching HR and working on countless reheats, I find myself dreaming of my own sunshine moments. I keep daydreaming of my own Skip moments, the day when I finally meet my Scott Hunter, and the day when I can finally be out, be myself, and be loved fully by a man as a man.

But allowing myself the space to dream and explore was not the only healing experience I had around HR. Like a good Wolf Bird, I became a part of the online fandom. Online, it is much easier for me to present as a man, to see myself as a man, and for others to see me as a man. So, for me, this was the first time I was able to openly discuss and express crushing on men and MLM story lines as a man. I was pleasantly surprised when openly gay men were commenting on my posts, engaging with my content, and wanting to talk to me about the show and the books. My first experiences trying to be seen and accepted in the gay community as a queer transitioning man were so negative that I felt like it was setting the tone for all my future interactions with gay men. Talking on Threads was refreshing. I could finally obsess over men with other men, and not as someone who was perceived as female, but as someone who is presenting male.

Hopefully, this will be the start of better experiences for me as I continue to transition and I start to find my own sunshine.

And speaking of sunshine…I think it’s about time I talked more about him and my search to find him, instead of just cryptically posting poems with weird introductions.

Stay tuned for Part 2…

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