The night before starting testosterone

I am freaking out and my head is in a million places right now. I’m struggling to focus, to sleep, and all I can think about is tomorrow.

Tomorrow I am getting my first shot of testosterone, which means that I will officially start my medical transition journey!!!! I have thought about this day for almost a year now, and I can’t believe it’s tomorrow.

I feel anxious, nervous, and ready to jump out of my skin with joy. Mostly, I’ve been thinking about all these little preparations that I didn’t think about before.

First, there’s the mini toolbox I ordered to hold my testosterone and supplies.

Second, I am thinking about how I want to celebrate tomorrow. I ordered an ice cream cake, and mom and I are still debating sandwiches at the beach, the public market, or Chinese food tomorrow. I think I decided on a smoothie bowl for breakfast, though.

Third, how do I want to document the changes, especially those to my voice? I have hated my voice all my life and now understand that I hate it because it makes me dysphoric. It is way too high and soft for my liking. The good thing about testosterone is that it will deepen my voice. I reached out on social media, and you all had many good ideas. So now, I have to choose between reciting something, sending weekly voice memos to myself, and doing random movie quotes. What I have decided to do is read one of my poems, “Queerily and Wonderfully Made,” each day on T for maybe a year or two (if not longer). Then, when I am ready, I want to try editing – which I have never done before!!!! – a video of me reading my poem at various points in my medical transition journey.

That has me thinking about if I should also document how my voice changes in Spanish, too. In that case, what should I pick to read? I have been thinking about reading “Besos de pisco” daily/weekly too. That one is special to me, as I wrote it for my Red String (wherever he is). Maybe it could be a love letter to him and to my voice?

Fourth, I have been thinking about skincare. I know this will mean a second adolescence with acne. As someone who has never had clear skin, this worries me. I’m hoping to get some supplies tomorrow and stay on top of it.

Finally, there’s something I didn’t expect: a feeling of grief. Not for anything related to womanhood – although I do have a list of things I will miss. It’s a little different.

I don’t have a dad or a male in my life to help guide me through transition and teach me the little things about being a man. I don’t have anyone to help me learn how to shave or even how to navigate as a man. I’m grieving these things and all the things that I am going to have to learn on my own. I’m grieving not having a dad or brother to teach and support me. I’m grieving that connection and all those little rites of passage.

Maybe I will always have this grief…Maybe one day I will find the support I’m missing…Maybe I’ll be fine without it.

Anyway, time to post and then off to bed. I have a busy day tomorrow!