A Pinch of Jealousy

If you’ve been following my work, then you know about my Red String. If you are new here, I have been feeling a telepathic soul connection to my person, whom I haven’t met yet. I first felt our connection in 2020 during the pandemic. I felt it go quiet for a few years, and then the connection started to rekindle last year. Now, it’s the strongest it’s ever been. I am currently (at the time of writing this post) working on a two-part post in which I discuss the connection in more depth.

Lately, in the connection, there’s been something that has been bothering me. I have known for a while that my person might not be single right now. It shouldn’t bother me because we haven’t met yet, but I am finding that it really does. At first, he would say that he was dating again because he was looking for me. Then, I could feel the presence of another person, but I thought it was just casual, so I didn’t think much of it. Then, over the past few months, things have started to get a bit weird, or at least his comments got a bit weird.

He started telling me that he was about to go through something painful, and even through the bond, I could feel how much emotional pain he was in. Then, he started telling me to ignore what I am about to see, to ignore the pictures. He was getting ready to “debut someone,” but it wasn’t going to last. When he mentioned the last part, I could feel his pain again. He talked about how he was being betrayed by someone, and he needed this relationship to learn how to “debut me.”

I wish I could be there to help him through the betrayal, and my heart aches for him just thinking about it.

Yet, there’s still so much I don’t understand. First of all, who says “debut” when talking about their partner?! That makes no sense! It sounds like a really weird way to talk about introducing me to his friends and family. Why would I need to be “debuted”? Second, why would he think I would be able to see him with this other person? Virgos are good detectives, but I don’t think I am that good. He’s acting like he has the visibility of a Hollywood A-Lister (and, yes, I am fighting the Virgo urge to have a conversation with him about compensating).

I really don’t get how time flows in this connection. Most of the time, it feels like an older version of himself coming back through time to connect with me. A few times I felt our souls connect in real time. Nothing seems to happen linearly. I wonder if what he's told me is happening now, if it has already happened, or if it will soon come to pass. I just hope, that if I am not to be there for him when the betrayal is revealed, that he has an amazing support group around him to help him through.

In the meantime, I am a little jealous. I am a jealous person, however much I wish I wasn’t. And yet, there is something oddly gender affirming about having a reason to practice deep growling and saying, “Mine” like I’m auditioning to be the next BookTok romance novel main love interest. For now, I will just have to express my jealousy in poetry because I do not yet have the voice for the deep growl.

This poem does not have a title yet. I wrote it a few days ago, and hopefully soon, it will reveal its name to me. I hope you enjoy it!

A Note on the Translation: I would definitely say this poem falls in the category of ‘things that sound better in the original’. I know for my person, translating the poem is unnecessary. The translation is more for the readers who don’t speak Spanish. This translation is more of a draft, and there are parts of it that still sound clunky to me when compared with the original. Perhaps I will revisit this translation later with fresher eyes and a more critical mind. Honestly, when I wrote this poem, I didn’t intend it to be translated. With how critical I am being of my own work, I wonder if this is why some poets choose not to translate their own works. For now, this draft will at least serve as a vessel to convey the meaning of the original.

Text within this block will maintain its original spacing when publishedSi voy a ser tu último...

Dime con quién andas
cuando no estás conmigo
y te digo
te diré
donde late mi corazón

Sana, sana corazoncito celoso
si no terminan hoy,
terminarán mañana

Porque mejor acompañado
que solito, mi soltero, en esa relación

Naufragar, mi náufrago, de este barco falso
navegar, mi navegante, la corriente de la ruptura
hasta que llegues a mi puerto
para hacerte, por fin, capitán.


(English, not a perfect translation, but a draft of one)

If I am to be your last...

Tell me who you're with
when you're not with me,
and I say to you,
I will tell you,
where my heart beats.

Heal, heal, my jealous little heart,
if they don't break up today,
then they will tomorrow.

For it's better to be coupled
than lonely in that relationship.

Be shipwrecked, my castaway, from that false ship
Navigate, my navigator, the rupture's current
until you arrive at my port
and become, at last, a captain.