What would 'Sunshine' be like for me?
Part 3: What is sunshine
When writing “A little bit of sunshine and a red string,” Parts 1 and 2, I started thinking about what happens next. (You can read Part 1 here, and Part 2 here, if you need to get caught up.) What happens when I finally find this person and start living in sunshine? Once my person enters my life, then what? What does that look like for me?
It’s so easy for me to get caught up in the romantic fantasy of this person, and forget that I also would be living every day life with this person, too.
So, what would that look like for me? And not just the typical house and kids and all that. What would the reality truly be?
To understand that is to know what sunshine truly is.
I have been meditating on this since the connection started to reopen, and watching Heated Rivalry only made it worse. While the show did provide hints for what sunshine could look like, what worked for Scott and Kip or even Shane and Ilya might not be the sunshine I need. However, I do think there is one aspect of sunshine from the show that I do want to apply in my life: sunshine being embracing yourself completely, abandoning what other people think of you, and allowing yourself to be truly happy.
I’ve been reflecting on what this would mean for me both before my person enters my life and once he’s a part of it — I don’t believe that happiness starts once your person enters your life; it starts well before, and it starts internally.
So, before he comes into my life, I need to cocoon and emerge. I need to move past my fears and anxieties to start medical transition. Before I continue, I must preface this by saying that transition is not a prerequisite for being with my person. Honestly, from the impression I have of him, I don’t think he would want transition to ever be a requirement to be with him. However, it is an essential part of being my most authentic self, and thus, a key part of my sunshine.
As long as I look female, I don’t feel like me. I feel trapped, not in a body that doesn’t belong to me, but in a role that I am forced to play that was never made for me. I fit the typecast, but I am not the type.
I have been starting to feel the signs in my body that it is time to start T (testosterone), to stop presenting as female, and start presenting as Franklin Gem (von Galen is the name of an ancestor that I chose as a pen name).
The dysphoria is getting worse. Some days, I am in my body, and it feels completely male (parts included). Some days, I can’t stand the feeling of my long hair on my neck. Some days, I want to claw my way out of my own skin.
Not all of it has been bad. I feel the most present in my body when I am presenting male. I am the most joyful when I am allowed to queen (I am not a straight man, by far). I am happiest when I think of all the male firsts I will get experience. I light up when I hear my name.
The only thing that is holding me back is the fear that as long as I cling to femininity, I can be seen, I can be loved, and I can be safe.
It is that fear that I need to face before I can truly walk in sunshine. And I need to start facing that fear now, on my own (meaning while I am single).
After he’s in my life, I am guessing there will be a public and private component to sunshine. I am saying public because of how this person communicates in the telepathic soul connection that makes me think I am crazy or he has an ego problem. He keeps using the phrase ‘debut me,’ which I have only heard tabloids and paparazzi use to describe celebrity couples. I used to think that when I found my person, the ‘public’ part would be going out on dates, meeting their friends and family, posting on social media, and just living life like normal people. I never pictured having to deal with fans, tabloids, or paparazzi, and I am still hoping that I never have to deal with the last two. (I am trying to wrap my head around the idea of maybe one day having fans!!!! I am truly still surprised that people are willing and want to read my writing!)
To help better understand this part of things, I do what all good Virgos do, and I started studying (well, ok, paying more attention to) how celebrities debut their partners. What I am learning so far is:
- If you have to hide, it’s not sunshine (this doesn’t apply to dating in private until you know if this is someone you want to have a more serious connection with—that’s different; here I am talking about )
- If you can’t invite your partner to events, it’s not sunshine
- If you can’t make a social media post with you and your partner, that’s not sunshine
- Sunshine does not attend events from the sideline
- If you have to leak pictures, call the paparazzi, and stage public outings, that’s not sunshine, that’s a production (and I don’t care what your publicist says about it. That’s acting, not authenticity, and people, meaning the fans, got over this in the early 2000s.)
- Oh, and if too many of your fans start pointing out the same red flags in this person, you might want to take notes and make your own observations
- Also, sunshine is not self-promotive, nor does it take advantage of visibility for self-gain and advertising
- Basically, if it’s not you being 100,000,000,000%+ authentic and genuine, then it’s not sunshine.
What feels the most authentic to me and most like the sunshine I am looking for is just couples living their lives, and giving the public only a small window into their lives. No staging, no production, no fuss, just a short, “Hey, this is my life…” or taking someone to an event as your date for the night.
Ultimately, in spite of my super Virgo-ness, I desire a simple life away from the limelight (if I wanted the limelight, I would chase it myself). I want someone willing to make me part of their life, someone who can acknowledge me publicly and privately. In my two most recent relationships, I felt like a secret. For one, I knew the family, but not any friends, and had limited interactions with the family. I also was never posted on social media, and neither did he change his relationship status. The closest I got to feeling seen was when he posted a picture of me with his family as his WhatsApp picture. For the other, I knew only two of his friends, met his mom once, and he didn’t have social media. Neither of them really took me out publicly for dates, and going out to dinner or restaurants was out of the picture. I felt like they liked me enough, but they were embarrassed to be seen with me.
So, visibility would be something I would want with my person. This doesn’t mean that my person would have to post me everywhere or be seen with me all the time. I would just want to be a visible part of his life, and for other people to know that I am a part of his life.
Some restaurant dates without the anxiety of worrying about what I eat would be nice too.
And may he be a lover of stupid, silly, sappy love poems.
Need to get caught up on Parts 1 and 2? Find them below.
