“How Are You So Calm with All That Going On?!”

A few months ago, a coworker asked me this question: “How are you so calm?” I didn’t have an answer for her at the time beyond “I don’t know. It’s just normal for me, I guess.” Since then, I haven’t been able to stop thinking about her question. What am I doing that makes people think I am calm? Considering everything that’s going on in the world right now, I thought now would be a good time to share my thoughts.

But first, a bit of backstory.

Part of my journey in overcoming multi-generational cycles of abuse is that every so often, I go through periods where it feels like everything in my life is unraveling. The family drama starts. My dating life falls apart. I am working multiple jobs and going to school. Things start breaking. It just feels like everything hits at once after a brief period of stability. Yet, through all of it, people can’t stop remarking about how calm I appear to be on the surface.

On the inside, it is a different picture. I am a complete mess. I struggle to focus, get through my day, get things done, or even get out of bed. The part of me that has gone through years of therapy knows that these are trauma responses and a tendency to dissociate. The calm expression on my face is a normalization of being unable to express my feelings out of fear of being perceived as prey if I were vulnerable in any way. So, what is it about me that makes people believe I’m calm? I think it’s two things: 1) I am too cynically numb to react, and 2) I have developed coping strategies to help me get back on my feet.

LET YOUSELF FEEL

For me, this is the first part of the process and the one part that we tend to shame ourselves out of. Feeling takes up time, and it takes up space in our bodies. When I first started my healing process, I was focused on productivity and analyzing every emotion I was feeling and why (yes, I am a Virgo). I felt guilty for having emotions and for letting myself do nothing except feel them. After a while, I had to learn to lean into the emotions and let myself feel them. It wasn’t easy at first, and at times, I still struggle to just let myself be. What I am learning is that productivity is the chain that keeps me from expressing. Feeling doesn’t just break this chain; it reconnects me to my body and my soul.

BACK TO BASICS

This one is really simple. It is a reminder to go back to the small things. Getting out of bed in the morning. Taking a shower. Going for a walk. Seeing the sun. Washing your face. Brushing your teeth. These are the things that help me feel like I’m returning to being a normal-ish person again. I can become so dissociated and stuck there that it feels like there’s no way out of dissociation. Doing something small that would be normal to me on any other day helps me get out of that state. Even if all I can do is get up and take a shower. I do something “normal” and then I celebrate myself for being able to do that. Usually, this celebration is complementing myself or telling myself how proud I am of myself for taking care of myself. So, if all you can do today is go back to the basics, be proud of yourself.

LISTEN TO YOUR BODY

Our bodies are much wiser than we give them credit for. They tell us what we need when we need it. They tell us when to drink water, what food to eat, how much to eat, when we need to go outside, and when to exercise. The hardest part about listening to my body has been learning that I don’t speak its language, but learning how to communicate with my body has been a fun process. Every day, I get to learn something new about what my body needs. I am not there yet, but I am definitely enjoying the process.

GROUNDING AND FEELING EMBODIED

When I feel overwhelmed or I fall into a trauma spiral, I feel like I am adjacent to my body but not quite in it. It’s like my body and my soul are separate, and my body is not where it should be. In those moments, my body becomes a hologram of my soul. I know where it should be, but I can’t touch it. This can manifest externally as depression, lethargy, or simply appearing distant. So, when this happens, how can someone get back into their body?

More traditional grounding techniques

You have probably heard of many of these. They include:

• going for a walk/physical activity
• The 5–4–3–2–1 Technique
• box breathing (and similar breathing techniques)
• focusing your attention on various parts of your body and how they feel
• grounding meditation

However, unless I am with my therapist or I have someone (or an audio or an app) guiding me through most of those techniques, they don’t work for me. When I first got diagnosed with C-PTSD during the pandemic, I had to get really creative. So here are some things that worked for me.

Some unconventional and weird grounding techniques that actually worked for me:

• blowing bubbles
• playing with a hacky sack
• cooking
• writing with a quill (I have a metal quill with a peacock feather that has become a personal favorite.)
• breathing through a tobacco pipe (Here, I think it is important to note that I did not smoke. I got the pipe because it reminded me of a family member. Then I would just breathe through the pipe. There was nothing in it at all.)
• reciting Bible verses in French (You don’t have to do this with the Bible or in French. You can pick anything you want to recite. The point is to speak it out loud. For me, I chose Bible verses that are short, and French because I have not had any traumatic experiences involving French. French became a safety net for me and a way for me to disrupt the neural firings in my brain stem.)

Experiment. If the traditional techniques are not helping you, experiment and try to find what helps you. Sometimes, these techniques work best when you are with a professional. So, it can be hard to ground when it is just you.

Also, if you are dealing with C-PTSD, the main thing to keep in mind is disrupting the memory that your brain stem is reliving. I like to do this by engaging with items or sounds that were not part of the original memory.

TALK

Whatever is going on in your head and in your heart, get it out. Talk in a way that is authentic to you. Call a friend or family member or loved one that you can trust. Talk to a therapist or counselor. Keep a journal or a diary. Record a video journal. Write a story or a poem. Talk to a pet. Talk it out to yourself in front of a mirror. Get out and express (in a healthy way) the thoughts and emotions you have inside. Work through the hard stuff with someone you trust.

DON’T BE AFRAID TO SEEK HELP (Period and self-explanatory)

What helps you feel grounded and safe in your body? What helps you when life becomes overwhelming?

Additionally, please let me know in the comments if you would like me to elaborate further on any of these suggestions.