Disclaimer: I am not a licensed mental health professional, although I am considering studying to become one after I finish my Ph.D. work. I am a queer and trans person who is sharing my experiences and knowledge gained from research and being in the community. Any advice listed here is meant to be taken as peer-to-peer and not to overwrite or replace advice given by a licensed mental health professional.

For 2SLGBTQIA+ Folx

Each of our experiences and situations is different. Below are some general suggestions for creating safety. Please take what fits your situation or what resonates.

Ways to create safety before a holiday event, gathering, or celebration:

• Work with a mental health professional to create a safety plan, if you have access to a mental health professional. If you do not, then you can still create a safety plan. A safety plan does not have to be elaborate. It can be as simple as having an exit plan or saying “If _______ happens, then I am going to go for a walk.”
• Focus on your allies and found family. Prioritize the people who love you, who support you, and pour into you. Reach out to them for support and to help you make plans to get you safely through the holidays.
• Give yourself time and space to mourn. The holidays can be tough and can bring up painful memories. Give yourself permission to mourn what is, what was, and what you desperately wanted but never got.
• Normalize saying no to events and people that make you feel unsafe. You do not have to go to every event. You do not have to see everyone. You do not owe abusive people your presence. You do not owe unsafe people your presence.
• Make a joy plan. Don’t forget to live. It can be easy to get caught up in the pain, grief, and anxiety that can arise for us this time of year. Making a plan to incorporate joy can help balance out the pain. Just go at your level and do what you are comfortable with. Think about: What brings you joy this time of year? What do you like to do? What are your favorite celebrations, movies, events, traditions, foods? Then, make a plan to go out and do those things.

Ways to create safety in the moment:

• Use healthy coping strategies such as breathing techniques, grounding techniques, going outside, or removing yourself from abusive or harmful situations.
• Have someone either around you or who you can call for support, even if you are only reaching out to a hotline.
• Use items from your safety plan.
• Reaffirm boundaries and expectations with those around you. Keep in mind that after the first time you correct someone’s behavior, it is their responsibility to fix their behavior. Also, have a plan in place for if homophobic, transphobic, anti-queer, etc. behavior escalates, even if your plan is just to leave.
• It is okay to leave abusive situations or walk away from abusive people.

For Trans+ Folx

Ways to create safety before a holiday event, gathering, or celebration:

As stated before:

• Work with a mental health professional to create a safety plan, if you have access to a mental health professional. If you do not, then you can still create a safety plan. A safety plan does not have to be elaborate. It can be as simple as having an exit plan or saying “If _______ happens, then I am going to go for a walk.”
• Focus on your allies and found family. Prioritize the people who love you, who support you, and pour into you. Reach out to them for support and to help you make plans to get you safely through the holidays.
• Give yourself time and space to mourn. The holidays can be tough and can bring up painful memories. Give yourself permission to mourn what is, what was, and what you desperately wanted but never got.
• Normalize saying no to events and people that make you feel unsafe. You do not have to go to every event. You do not have to see everyone. You do not owe abusive people your presence. You do not owe unsafe people your presence.
• Make a joy plan. Don’t forget to live. It can be easy to get caught up in the pain, grief, and anxiety that can arise for us this time of year. Making a plan to incorporate joy can help balance out the pain. Just go at your level and do what you are comfortable with. Think about: What brings you joy this time of year? What do you like to do? What are your favorite celebrations, movies, events, traditions, foods? Then, make a plan to go out and do those things.

But also,

• It is okay to cancel or bail at the last minute. It is okay to “become ill” or “have an emergency” if you feel unsafe about attending an event or if thinking about attending the event is causing you anxiety.
• If you have an ally or allies at the event, talk to them beforehand about any anxieties you have. They can help you come up with plans to help you deal with people who deadname you and misgender you. They can also help you come up with an exit plan, if needed.
• You do not have to remain in places where you do not feel safe.
• If you do not have anyone you trust at the event, think about who you could call or text for support. It is okay if this is just a hotline you can call.
• In your joy plan, be sure to include as many things that bring you gender euphoria as you possibly can (or can realistically do).

Ways to create safety in the moment:

• Use healthy coping strategies such as breathing techniques, grounding techniques, going outside, or removing yourself from abusive or harmful situations. If you find it helpful, make a list (even if it’s just in the notes app of your phone) of coping strategies that are helpful to you.

• Use items from your safety plan.

• If possible, find sources of external support or reach out to a hotline.

• If your allies are not allying, tell them. Let them know they are not helping you and how they are not being helpful or supportive. If both of you are open to it, have a short discussion on ways they can improve, and what you need to feel supported.

• Keep healthy boundaries with those around you. You do not have to come out to people you do not feel safe around. If you have come out to someone and they deadname or misgender you, you can gently remind them of your name and pronouns. Gently reassert the boundary of how you would like to be referred to and the expectation you have about being referred to as such. After that, it is their responsibility to correct their behavior. If they do not, have a plan in place or, if possible, walk away from them or remove yourself from the situation.

• For internal support, here are some suggestions:

  • Remove yourself from harmful situations.

  • Focus on grounding and calming your breathing first. This will help regulate your nervous system.

  • Cry or scream into a pillow if you need to.

  • Have a mantra or affirmation that you can recite to help you ground and remind yourself of your own self-love.

  • Remind yourself of all the things you love about yourself and how far you’ve come to being yourself.

  • Remember you do not have to accept disrespect.

  • Once you have calmed down, doing something that you enjoy, helps you relieve stress, and/or makes you feel euphoric, even if it is just eating another piece of pie.

For Allies

Ways to create safety before a holiday event, gathering, or celebration:

• If you are the host, you have control over the type of environment you are creating for those around you, and you are in control of the tone of the event. As part of your planning process, take a few minutes to think about the environment you want to create and the tone you want to set.

  • What expectations do you have for your guests? What are the consequences if a guest does not meet your expectations? (Note: A consequence does not have to be severe, and it does not have to be a reaction.) For example, if your expectation is that People’s pronouns will be respected, and one of your guests misgenders someone, kindly correct them. If this continues to be an issue, have a plan in place for continuing to correct them. Some of the more creative ways I have seen include using an airhorn or silly string. Have a plan ready in advance, know what your expectations are, and know where you draw the line and/or ask someone to leave. Here’s another example. If you have a relative who loves to use grace as an excuse to passive-aggressively preach, maybe ask someone else to say grace this year.

  • Ways to implicitly set expectations and establish norms (so as not to isolate or out anyone before they are ready to come out)

    • Make inclusive language the routine, not the exception. Use inclusive language with everyone and refer to people in the way that they tell you they would like to be referred to, such as using the correct pronouns, saying partner, boyfriend, girlfriend, etc. Do NOT only use inclusive language with ONLY your 2SLGBTQIA+ friend, relative, or acquaintance. This can single out the person and make them feel isolated.

    • Share your name and pronouns with everyone, and encourage others to do the same.

    • Use name tags for larger gatherings or for people you haven’t seen in a while. Have everyone write their pronouns under their name. This is a great way to have everyone share their pronouns and preferred name without singling out anyone.

    • Pronoun Pins or Stickers. Get pins or stickers that have pronouns on them. You can easily find them online, or if you are crafty, feel free to make your own and even theme them to your celebration.

    • Using name cards or a seating chart? Include pronouns and don’t you dare use deadnames.

• If you think someone is going to deliberately create a problem or cause harm to others, then don’t invite them.

• Do not rely on 2SLGBTQIA+ people to educate you. You have the internet at your fingertips. Find trustworthy, reliable, and credible sources. Find 2SLGBTQIA+ creators. Educate yourself.

Ways to create safety in the moment:

• Call it out! Call out homophobia, transphobia, deadnaming, misgendering, etc, and call it out in the moment.
• Trauma is not a teaching moment. Our trauma is not a moment to get on your soapbox and recite stats and facts that you learned this year. Take a second to think about whether your actions are really helping protect others and mediate the situation. Focus on responding to the situation and not reacting. If a person is repeating the same mistake, take them aside and have a conversation. If someone is being hostile, ask them to leave.
• Make changes, not excuses. If you make a mistake, that’s okay. Apologize, correct yourself, and do better next time. And no, phrases like “I’m sorry, but…”, “I need time to adjust…”, or “I need you to tell me when…” are not apologies. They are excuses. They express your discomfort. Learn to sit in your discomfort. It means you are growing.
• Say our names and use our pronouns. While hearing how much you love us and support us is comforting, it is not enough. We need to hear you using our names (not our deadnames) and our pronouns. And yes, how you say our names matters. Don’t say our names begrudgingly or like a slur. Say our names with the same love and respect as you did before we came out to you.