About Three Months Out

For me, coming out the second time has felt like having the world’s longest “Get there faster” conversation with myself. It took me into my thirties to figure out that I was and to accept myself as trans. In the beginning months of this year, I finally gave myself the permission I needed to lay down any expectations of performing gender and see what was left. And what was left was realizing that I am a man, and my name is Gem.

From late May to early June, I decided to start coming out to my friends and family. (Yes, I am fully aware that I came out as Gem during Gemini season.) Overall, coming out trans to the people close to me was easier than when I came out bi. I feel very lucky in that. Being in my 30s, most people knew already or had kinda figured I was trans, and the people who would not have accepted me were either not a part of my life anymore or had already passed.

Even with the positive receptions, coming out has been challenging and has brought up some triggers around men, masculinity, and worth. So, I took a long break from Substack and other things in order to process and take care of myself. Now, I am back, more grounded, and I thought I would take the time to reflect on the past few months.

Highlights

• A part of me lights up when I hear people call me Gem.

• The first thing I did when I came out to myself was to accessorize. I bought myself new clothes, men’s shirts, boyfriend jeans, ties, a men’s wallet, and a men’s watch.

• The best reaction was my friend offering to throw me a gemstone-themed coming-out party. (It hasn’t happened yet, but it might be something for the future!)

• Starting to find moments of joy in music. So far, the top three songs that give me joy and calm my trans heart are:

  • “Iris” by Goo Goo Dolls (a bit stereotypical, but I think there’s a reason why we all relate to this one)

  • “Dancing Barefoot” by Patti Smith

  • “Pictures of You” by The Cure

• Packing. I won’t explain what it means here, but feel free to look it up. I was a little nervous to try it, but now I love the calm it gives me.

• Comics. I used to think it was normal to look at pictures of yourself and not relate to them or feel like that wasn’t really you. Then, I saw a picture of the version of Franklin Richards (from the Fantastic 4 comics) that came back from the future. I saw Franklin and thought, “That’s me. That’s what I look like!” Now I am reading the comics to learn more about Franklin and see what resonates.

• One of my best friends told me that she no longer thinks of me by my legal name, and she has to think about it when people I’m not out to call me by my legal name.

• Strange (but wonderful) Confirmation: Having a friend tell me that I think like a man.

• Telling one of my friends/coworkers about my new name, and her first response was “Can I call you that (Gem)?”

Struggles

• I am not used to my new name yet. Sometimes, I call myself my old name by accident and am not 100% used to hearing people call me Gem. (I still love it and prefer to be called Gem.)
• Gender dysphoria and trans phantoms
• Both of my grandparents passed before I got the chance to come out. I probably never would have come out to my grandfather, but I wish I had the chance to come out to my grandma. She probably would not have accepted me, or at the very least, it would have taken her a long time to accept me. I wish we had gotten the chance to have those fights.
• The most traumatizing thing in this world for me is men. The worst parts of my trauma were caused by the men in my life, and I still don’t have many positive relationships with men. It’s hard to see myself as a man. So, I am focusing on finding examples of positive masculinity and reminding myself that I don’t have to be the men who hurt me. It’s helping, but I have relived more of my trauma trying to heal my masculinity than I have at any other point in my healing journey.
• One of my abusers was my grandfather. We share many facial features. Before he went gray, I heard he had blond hair. I have blondish/brown hair. Both of us have blue eyes. I inherited his nose. I am terrified that if I medically transition, I will look exactly like him. And I can’t stand the thought of looking into a mirror every day and seeing his face when he is finally gone.

It’s hard to believe that it’s been only a short amount of time since I started to come out, since I have started to grow and change so much. There’s still a lot of my transition journey ahead of me, and at times, thinking about that makes me feel overwhelmed. Maybe it’s just the Virgo in me that wants everything to be compartmentalized in a procedure. This process is not easy, and I am finding comfort in the fact that I have time. For now, I want to focus on healing my masculinity, on the man I am becoming, and enjoying the transition.